Archive for silly

Moses VS Vitamin P: Infiltration

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2017 by fromthenuthousewithlove

It’s been a few years since my last encounter with Moses, or one of his minions. I was under the assumption that he was either incarcerated, dead, or had become so enraged at his inability to defeat me that he developed a drinking problem which rendered him weak, unable to think clearly, and eventually caused him to lose all interest in our war. Turns out, all those sayings about how you shouldn’t assume, are correct, and I found that out by nearly having my family destroyed.
It was a beautiful evening, and the man I have chosen to give my love to (which makes him, The Chosen One) was sitting across from me in our villa by the lake. Our two dogs, Luna and Odin by our feet resting after a long walk and Lint (The Destroyer) standing guard at the edge of the balcony, keeping watch as she has done for the last 16 years. She’s an integral part of the team which is why I have entrusted her to train Luna and Odin, because she’s planning on retiring and well, after this night, it’s obvious I need protection.
As peaceful as the evening was, something felt off. I should have trusted myself, but the warrior in me was as faded as the ink gets on gas station receipts.  I should have trusted Lint, when I saw her stare blankly at nothing, as she does when something is afoot, but I ignored her warning stare. I ignored the boiling inferno within me, and that’s when I felt it. A light tap between my shoulder blades. That was all it took for all the memories of my past to come flooding back to me and send me into a frenzying fury! I turned to The Chosen One, “prepare to defend my honor” I said in my warrior voice, which is a tone he has never heard before. This left him puzzled, “I am under attack, we must prepare for battle” I added for clarification, because this chosen one sometimes requires repetition. The Chosen One looks at me, as if I were crazy “what are you talking about? sit down, relax” and folks, I gotta tell you, if eye-rolling had a sound effect, that would be the tone his voice had taken. This had me concerned, because having someone labeled as “The Chosen One” you would expect them to be a little more in sync with what is going on, but I had to take into consideration that perhaps he has not yet been made aware of his title, or what it means. Which meant that there was a good chance I was going to be on my own in this battle.
Inside my living room I began to search for my provisions, because I hadn’t used them in quite some time I was having a difficult time locating them. I was just about to ask The Chosen One if he had by chance seen a spray bottle of blue liquid almost identical to a Windex bottle when I felt it. A tap followed by a vibration down my spine. This sensation was quite foreign to me. Was this going to be the end of me!? I panicked. I turned to The Chosen one and asked him to perform a full body scan on me. He looked at me and laughed and told me I was crazy. This was not boding well for me, I was starting to question if he was a minion of Moses undercover sent to infiltrate my home by gaining my trust and distracting me from my true mission.
I felt the vibration again, only this time it went down to my lower back which resulted in an uncontrollable wave of body spasms. The Chosen One, still laughing decided to humour me, looked down the back of my tank top and assured me nothing was there. I wanted to believe him. I really did, but the problem with being a top level warrior such as myself is you can’t just believe someone when you know your senses don’t lie. He must have noticed the unpleasant expression on my face because he then told me to remove my upper garments so that he could have a better look. I obliged, he examined my back, reportedly found nothing, and walked away shaking his head “It’s probably just the tag from your shirt” he stated, boldly.
I considered that for a moment, perhaps I was going crazy, perhaps all my years of being a warrior has affected my brain. Just as I had come to the conclusion that he could be right, I felt the same sensation again, on the cheek of *gulp*…my butt. I swung my arm around and bunched my pants and underwear in my hand, and stood there not knowing what to do. This was definitely NOT my imagination. I was being bugged. Moses sent one of his minions out to plant a recording device so he could spy on me.
The Chosen One entered the room and saw me standing in this awkward position, both pants and underwear have managed to shimmy down to the knees. My hand still clenching the bunch from behind and im bent over examining the inner workings of my panties, looking for the wire. I hear laughter in the distance, but I ignore it and make my way stealthily to the bathroom. I crush the bunch I am holding with my bear hand, and when I let go…out he fell, a June bug. He presented me with a little note, before he took his last breath. “I’m back”…

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surprise!, you have to wait…

Posted in Random Thoughts, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2016 by fromthenuthousewithlove

I’d like to start off this post by stating that I absolutely LOVE surprises. I really do, I mean who doesn’t love hearing “I’ve got a surprise for you!”. I love hearing those words, they bring instant sparkle to the instant smile that pops up on my face. You just instantly know it’s going to be something good. It’s such a universal feeling, and what I mean by that, is that no matter who says it to you, you know it’s going to be something in your favour. No one is going to say “I’ve got a surprise for you!…I accidentally got dog poo all over your curtains”.  A surprise is always something that is intended to put a smile on your face. The way I see it, is even if the Grim Reaper himself appeared to you and said “I’ve got a surprise for you!” you know it MUST be followed by something along the lines of you getting to live. Unless of course good ol’ GR has a terrible sense of humour. I can’t say for sure, I don’t actually know him, but you get my point.
That being said, there are two types of surprise-givers. Ones who say “Hey, I got you a surprise!” and then they hand over or show you what the surprise is, all in the same moment. So essentially you’re getting two surprises, the first one being the surprise of first hearing/knowing about the surprise, followed by the actual surprise. Plain. Simple. Effective.
Then you have the other folks, or the “God love’ems” as I like to call them, because in reality they really do mean well. They start out in the same way, by saying “Hey, I got a surprise for you!…”,  sometimes they even do it in a sing songy voice, which is meant to entice you even more, because apparently when things are presented in song our brains are hardwired to become even more excited. I’m not sure if this is a fault or blessing in general, but in this case it’s definitely a fault. I also have come to notice that it usually happens when you’re on the phone with your generous bestower. Almost as if they want to send your brain into a whirling tornado of questions that can’t be answered just yet, because you’ll have to wait and see. You can ask them what it is, but the answer will always be “you’ll have to wait and see” and if you persist…you eventually get, “I can’t tell you, or it will ruin the surprise!”…*facepalm*. News flash to all you God love’ems out there, you’ve already ruined the surprise, because now I am filled with not joy or happiness but a yearning…does anyone know what it’s like to yearn?  You’ve managed to turn an event intended to put a smile on my face into a gut wrenching need, need for what you might ask? I don’t know because according to you I’m gonna have to wait!!!

~end rant~

 

 

this means war…and peace…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 31, 2012 by fromthenuthousewithlove

I arrived home yesterday after work, prepared to attack. I had realized that after 2 days of painful day to day tasks, I could not continue this life anymore. I walked in the door, closed and locked it behind me, which set the tone of “I mean business”.
I had to prepare my strategy. There were many questions I had to take into consideration. I quickly ran down the checklist. Who was going to assist me? I took a deep breath because I realized I was going at this alone. What would be my weapon of choice? I tore the place apart, cleaning products would not be appropriate in this situation, hairspray would also do no justice, I decided to steer clear of my usual provisions as they would do more harm than good. I opened cupboards, pots, pans…completely unsuitable. Opened my dresser drawers, tops, underwear, and an old favorite t-shirt that I thought was gone forever. I put it on, just in case things didn’t go my way, at least I’d have done things fashionably. I shuddered at the thought that things could turn out quite badly, but only for a moment. I couldn’t afford to back down now. After 20 minutes of tearing the place apart looking for appropriate weaponry, all I found was a pair of tweezers. I came the conclusion I was wasting valuable time, I would have to do this with my bare hands, but the tweezers made for a decent back-up plan. Where would the battle take place? I had to scout out the perfect location for attack. I searched outside, through my tiny windows, too many people around, I couldn’t afford to risk others in this mission. It would have to be done in the confines of my underground lair. I decided on the bathroom, it has excellent lighting and it’s small, normally I would go for a place that was not well lit, to avoid being seen, however this particular operation did not require my presence to be camoflaged. I take advantage of these situations when I can because its quite rare. Why was I put on this assignment? Because the culprits need to learn that it’s not ok to do harmful things to people for no reason. I was put here to ensure these things don’t happen again. How will I accomplish my task and defeat the enemy? I would have to use the strength, will, courage entrusted in me from the Gods. With great power comes great responsibility, which is why I am the chosen one. Finally, When will this battle take place? Judging by the symptoms of the attack I realized it would have to be immediate, if not sooner. It could not be put off any longer.
Once I had laid all my groundwork, I quickly assumed my position. Prepared for the worst, I charged towards the miscreant with an irreversable strangle-hold. I had hoped that, that would have been that, however I lost my grip because I became too cocky too quickly, it hastily fired back with a jab to my leg that almost immobilized me, the pain it caused spread quickly all over my body, my legs collapsed, and were no longer usable. I so badly needed a time-out, but in war, you don’t get a time-out. Something you learn very quickly in this field of work. Keep moving, breathe through the pain.
It was at that moment I remembered the tweezers, they were in the bedroom. My legs at this point were limp noodles, completely useless. I army-crawled my way to the dresser, hoisted myself up, and was attacked again in the exact same spot. This time the pain completely blinded me, I let out a scream that some what resembeled that of a large raging mythical character that gets hit in his shoulder with a tiny arrow, and then pulls out the arrow, and becomes enraged. Like that character I became a raging beast. I felt for the tweezers, grabbed them and fell to the floor.
My sight came back due to my anger meter being completely filled, and I had my victim in my sights. Adrenaline was pulsing through my veins. Tweezers in hand, I dove in, gripped it, and pulled that damn ingrown hair out, roots and all.
Victory was mine for the night.

the great fall…

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , on March 12, 2012 by fromthenuthousewithlove

Today I began to tell a friend of mine a story. I am sure some of you may have heard of this particular story. It has to do with a giant egg, that earns a living by sitting on giant walls. For those of you that haven’t heard this tale, the egg one day has a mishap, and he falls off of a wall, leading to his ultimate demise. Now no one knows for sure what exactly happened as there were no witnesses. I have a few theories myself, I mean, someone who wished ill on him could have rigged the wall so that he would fall, perhaps with or without intent to kill. Or the wall he attempted to climb that day could have been far to large for his body and he lost his balance and we all know, eggs are not known for their balancing skills, and I mean, he did seem pretty clumsy…and in my opinion he was rather delusional, because who the hell do you think you are earning a living sitting on a damn wall?? Get a real job!…
…Sorry about that…it’s out of my system, let’s move on.
My friend proceeds to finish the tale, by stating that the horses, and men of the King (which King exactly is not specified) tried to put him together, but failed miserably. Now I have a problem with this.
My first issue, is, how important was this eggs role that the king’s horses and men had to take time out of there day from protecting the castle, to try to glue back together a broken egg? Surely if he was that important their would have been provisions placed in case such an incident occurred, like perhaps safety nets? Are you trying to tell me that glueing this egg is more important than the King himself? Who was guarding the castle?
Secondly, of course they wouldn’t be able to put him back together, their training is in combat…in breaking bones, attacking, do you really think the best people for fixing him would be them?? Granted there are no such thing as egg doctors, but if this particular egg was so important, I think the King could have hired someone to study egg biology, and become the castle’s egg doctor. He would live at the castle and study day in and day out, and do experiments on previously broken eggs so that he can perfect his skill, should such an occasion arise.
That’s all I’m sayin.