Archive for Moses Vs Vitamin P

Moses VS Vitamin P: Close Call

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , on September 15, 2017 by fromthenuthousewithlove

The attacks from Moses are increasing again now that my location has been discovered. His minions have had me under surveillance, they know where I sleep, they know where I work, they now know my family and most importantly, they know when I’m alone. They are trying to plant some sort of device in me, this is the only thing I know for sure.
Judging by this attack I knew that he has expanded his intelligence department. I was at work when they made their move, they not only waited until I was away from the chosen one, they also waited until I was outside of the building having a smoke,  so as not to attract security. They also planned it on a day where most people are off, as well as more likely to be lazy. A Friday. Being a Friday, I too, was in a passive and inattentive mood.
I stood there with my cigarette in hand, wishing I was at home so that I could enjoy this beautiful day. Little did I know, the minions were watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Timing is everything. They know this. They’ve been training, and they are well aware that I haven’t been. I was in the midst of letting out a casual, but lengthy yawn when they struck. Immediately I felt something in my mouth, I couldn’t inhale for fear of swallowing whatever had made its way into my mouth, and I couldn’t close my mouth for fear of trapping it inside and allowing it to succeed in its mission. I had to think fast because I felt it trying to latch onto my uvula, luckily for me, my uvula was constantly moving up and down, so whatever was in my mouth couldn’t get a firm grip.
With whatever breath I had in me, I began to exhale through my mouth as hard as I could, this created a force of wind that pushed it towards my teeth, and I know this because I felt its wings flutter against them as it tried to regain its balance.
I needed just one more force of air and I would be safe, however I had no more air in my lungs. There was only one other option left for me at this point, seeing as I couldn’t remove it from my mouth, my only other option was to remove myself from it. I knew I only had once chance to execute this correctly. I had to summon up all of my strength for this, and with a quick backwards thrust, I back-flipped myself away from it and just before it was able to regain its balance I kicked it while my feet were in the air, and then landed back upright.
The whole ordeal happened rather quickly, even though through my eyes it was as if time stood still. It was now on the ground, I could hear its defeated moans as I approached her staggering body. She looked at me, and with a half wicked smirk, she spoke. “If you don’t finish me off now, I’m coming for you later”. I stared back at her as I took the last drag of my smoke, and said “Next time, I’ll be ready”. I blew the smoke on her face before I casually made my way back to work.

 

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Moses VS Vitamin P: Infiltration

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2017 by fromthenuthousewithlove

It’s been a few years since my last encounter with Moses, or one of his minions. I was under the assumption that he was either incarcerated, dead, or had become so enraged at his inability to defeat me that he developed a drinking problem which rendered him weak, unable to think clearly, and eventually caused him to lose all interest in our war. Turns out, all those sayings about how you shouldn’t assume, are correct, and I found that out by nearly having my family destroyed.
It was a beautiful evening, and the man I have chosen to give my love to (which makes him, The Chosen One) was sitting across from me in our villa by the lake. Our two dogs, Luna and Odin by our feet resting after a long walk and Lint (The Destroyer) standing guard at the edge of the balcony, keeping watch as she has done for the last 16 years. She’s an integral part of the team which is why I have entrusted her to train Luna and Odin, because she’s planning on retiring and well, after this night, it’s obvious I need protection.
As peaceful as the evening was, something felt off. I should have trusted myself, but the warrior in me was as faded as the ink gets on gas station receipts.  I should have trusted Lint, when I saw her stare blankly at nothing, as she does when something is afoot, but I ignored her warning stare. I ignored the boiling inferno within me, and that’s when I felt it. A light tap between my shoulder blades. That was all it took for all the memories of my past to come flooding back to me and send me into a frenzying fury! I turned to The Chosen One, “prepare to defend my honor” I said in my warrior voice, which is a tone he has never heard before. This left him puzzled, “I am under attack, we must prepare for battle” I added for clarification, because this chosen one sometimes requires repetition. The Chosen One looks at me, as if I were crazy “what are you talking about? sit down, relax” and folks, I gotta tell you, if eye-rolling had a sound effect, that would be the tone his voice had taken. This had me concerned, because having someone labeled as “The Chosen One” you would expect them to be a little more in sync with what is going on, but I had to take into consideration that perhaps he has not yet been made aware of his title, or what it means. Which meant that there was a good chance I was going to be on my own in this battle.
Inside my living room I began to search for my provisions, because I hadn’t used them in quite some time I was having a difficult time locating them. I was just about to ask The Chosen One if he had by chance seen a spray bottle of blue liquid almost identical to a Windex bottle when I felt it. A tap followed by a vibration down my spine. This sensation was quite foreign to me. Was this going to be the end of me!? I panicked. I turned to The Chosen one and asked him to perform a full body scan on me. He looked at me and laughed and told me I was crazy. This was not boding well for me, I was starting to question if he was a minion of Moses undercover sent to infiltrate my home by gaining my trust and distracting me from my true mission.
I felt the vibration again, only this time it went down to my lower back which resulted in an uncontrollable wave of body spasms. The Chosen One, still laughing decided to humour me, looked down the back of my tank top and assured me nothing was there. I wanted to believe him. I really did, but the problem with being a top level warrior such as myself is you can’t just believe someone when you know your senses don’t lie. He must have noticed the unpleasant expression on my face because he then told me to remove my upper garments so that he could have a better look. I obliged, he examined my back, reportedly found nothing, and walked away shaking his head “It’s probably just the tag from your shirt” he stated, boldly.
I considered that for a moment, perhaps I was going crazy, perhaps all my years of being a warrior has affected my brain. Just as I had come to the conclusion that he could be right, I felt the same sensation again, on the cheek of *gulp*…my butt. I swung my arm around and bunched my pants and underwear in my hand, and stood there not knowing what to do. This was definitely NOT my imagination. I was being bugged. Moses sent one of his minions out to plant a recording device so he could spy on me.
The Chosen One entered the room and saw me standing in this awkward position, both pants and underwear have managed to shimmy down to the knees. My hand still clenching the bunch from behind and im bent over examining the inner workings of my panties, looking for the wire. I hear laughter in the distance, but I ignore it and make my way stealthily to the bathroom. I crush the bunch I am holding with my bear hand, and when I let go…out he fell, a June bug. He presented me with a little note, before he took his last breath. “I’m back”…

Moses Vs. Vitamin P: I ain’t fraid of no ghost…

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , on June 11, 2012 by fromthenuthousewithlove

Trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking, I am awoken by my dearest and most honorable sidekick, Lint. I should have known she was trying to warn me, I should have listened to her cries, but alas I was in that sort of half asleep half awake I’ve been drinking the night before so I just want to ignore everything around me mode. I got up to let her out of the bedroom, and replenish my bodily fluids, then returned to what I thought would be a peaceful morning. Under the comforter, snuggled up with myself, I was just about to drift, when I felt it. On my left arm. My eyes sprung open, I scanned the room without moving. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I assumed I just had an itch. I closed my eyes again forcing myself to believe I was imagining the whole thing. Then once more, I felt the tickle, and it was in travel mode. I knew then it was no ordinary itch. I turned my head and there he was. Staring at me in the fogginess of my eyes, he had no teeth, and I know this because when he gave me the evil grin that villains give their opponents, I didn’t see any. I made a mental note that he must suffer from gingivitis and hoped that information would come in handy.
With haste I swung my right arm to try to squash him right away, but with his long legs he had the speed of a lightning bolt and he disappeared into the safety and comfort of my former resting place. I pulled the ol’ tuck and roll, made it safely out of the bed. I shouted “I challenge you to a duel!! Come out of hiding and accept your fate, or I will be forced to come find you.” He laughed and said “it’s too late, I have called on the rest, they are on their way to implant thousands of egg sacks, and when those egg sacks hatch, the whole place will be infested, and you will finally meet your fate!!!!”
I had to remain calm, I couldn’t show him my fear. What do you do in a situation where your enemy shows no fear?? You have to get scary!! That’s when it hit me. I went into my closet, found a white sheet, draped it over myself and sat at the foot of the bed waiting patiently. After what seemed like 3 hours had passed, I saw a leg sneaking out from under the pillow. I squat-walked to the side of the bed, and when he peeked his head out I jumped up with my arms flailing about and yelled “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO” in my scariest voice possible. No reaction.
This was really starting to irritate me now because I knew I couldn’t sleep the night knowing there is an unwanted occupant curled up in there.
I had to get down to business, what did I know about him? That he was fast, so in order to capture him, I had to either work fast, or slow him down. I knew working fast would be impossible due to my condition, so I had to settle for option B. I looked to my dresser, grabbed my hairspray. It’s funny that I even own hairspray considering I rarely use it for my hair…but that was not the issue at hand. I looked around for some other sort of defence system. My compact mirror, and some moisterizing facial cloths. Good enough.
I had to first lure him out. I crouched at the side of the bed and placed the mirror on it. I then did a little whistle followed by my spider-call. It’s basically the same as a dog whistle except humans can actually reach the pitch if they practice enough. I heard that I got his attention, then I said “heyyyy buddy, where are ya?? I’m here to help you!!!” That was when he peeked his head out and saw his reflection, which wasn’t really his reflection but spider’s aren’t that bright when it comes to reflections. He walked over towards the compact mirror, and I heard him sigh with relief, I knew right then and there I had him, I reached for the hairspray and pressed the nozzle, full force. He froze in his tracks with 3 legs still in the air. I then grabbed the moisterizing facial cloth and draped it over him. The moistened cloth cleansed the hairspray off the spider allowing for him to regain consciousness and mobility, only to realize it was over. I was careful not to squash him too quickly. I wanted him to realize what just happened before I flushed him down the toilet.
And that my friends, is HOW IT’S DONE!…

Moses Vs Vitamin P Part 2: Strike of the Minion

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , on May 24, 2012 by fromthenuthousewithlove

I bet you all thought that the whole situation was under wraps, over, done with! Well guess what folks! you couldn’t have been more wrong. The minions of Moses strike again. You see, I was sitting at home peacefully, about to retire for the night. My cat, or “The mistress of the unseen” as I like to call her was all tuckered out in a little ball on my bed. Things were calm, peaceful. I climb into my night-time outfit. Which if I might add, once I am in my night-time outfit, defending against an attack is almost impossible as I find it uncomfortable to sleep with armour. I suppose Moses had figured this out as well during his last visit, as he had time to scope out my wardrobe. Needless to say he made a mental note of when to attack.
I lay down in my bed, got under my blanket and was just about to close my eyes for the next 8 hours when my cat jumps up in full arch back mode, tail poofed out, and was glaring at a particular spot. I figured she sensed an unfamiliarity of some sort of spiritual realm, and decided to just let it be. I tried to fall asleep however I noticed that my cat was still in full archery. I found this to be unusual as she looked like a frightened pinata. I followed her gaze, I noticed nothing. She was staring at the carpet. I was about to look away when I saw movement. “That’s strange” I thought to myself, “Carpet fibers don’t usually move on their own…” I continued to stare and that’s when I saw it. Movement. Ever so graceful it crept. Too far from any provisions, I had to act fast. With a swift roll and tumble out of the bed, I reached for the water bottle on my nightstand in mid air, a move that should never be performed without supervision (and thanked my good sense for allowing me to sleep with a bottle of water on my night stand every night.)I shimmied over in a smooth snake-like fashion towards the spot where I discovered the movement, looked around…nothing…
Water bottle in hand, I stood up, “you have to be around here somewhere!!” I shouted. I made my way to the bathroom, grabbed the toilet plunger, went into the kitchen and grabbed 2 sheets of paper towel. I then went back to the bedroom, watching my back the entire time. My cat was asleep on the bed, sleeping gas. I should have known. I grabbed my belt and fastened it around my waist along with the water bottle and plunger. I had just finished tying the bandana around my head when I noticed movement through the mirror. I turned around, knocking over some hairspray and nail clippers off my dresser,  and there it was, in full camoflague. I used my animalistic instincts, jumped backwards and landed behind it, I took the plunger and cupped it over when I heard it’s plea. “You can’t kill me, I’m only Horace, a messenger”. It cried…I was weary, but I knew he was in no position to attack so I lifted the plunging device. I looked at him standing pathetically, all 8 legs quivering in fear. “Moses sent me, to tell you, it’s not over” He shrieked. “Tell me something I don’t know” I replied. “Is that all?” I asked, “yes, that and…prepare to meet your doom” Suddenly, without warning he started to get bigger, from the size of my pinky fingernail, to the size of my thumbnail. I was able stop him from growing anymore by dumping water on him. It caught him off guard long enough for me to grab the nail clippers. I managed to disable 3 of his legs before he came to. Screaming in agony he retreated, I placed the disabled legs onto his back, “I want you to return to Moses, with this message – Challenge Accepted, Bitch!” and sent him limping on his way…
I was able to sleep soundly, for one more night.

the battle of Moses and Vitamin P…

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , on June 20, 2011 by fromthenuthousewithlove

I spent from about 10:00PM last night til around 1:30AM on the hunt. I noticed the pesky little bugger around 9:45PM but didn’t think anything of it because I was occupied in conversation. Once I got myself all ready for bed, the thought crept back into my mind, “there’s a mosquito on the loose in here isn’t there??” and the memory came flooding back to me, I began having visions of this beast feasting on my blood while I slept peacefully. Those visions began turning into nightmares, that mosquito was waiting for the perfect opportunity to stab its blood sucking device on my skin, I searched high and low for this creature of the night, I kept thinking I saw it but it was either a shadow or nothing at all, it was driving me mad! I hadn’t even climbed into bed yet, and I knew if I didn’t do something about this situation I wasn’t going to sleep at all.  Something had to be done, this horrifying insect could be sending out a mating call to its other mosquito friends saying “Attention mosquito posse, I have found new vacation cottage, it’s quiet and it comes with food!” …to which I thought, over my dead body! Then visions of thousands of mosquitos feasting on me and sucking me to a dried up version of myself came into effect….I had to do something!
Now I have no experience in catching mosquitos, and I checked the good ol’ internet in hopes of finding some insight, however all I could find was how to get rid of multiple mosquito’s, this was not useful as I didn’t have an infestation I just wanted to set a trap so I could squish the living bejesus out of it and rest easy knowing my blood won’t be sucked dry for when the morning comes. I searched my place for some provisions, while doing so I instructed Lint (my cat) to be on guard…she just kept laying on the bed staring at me…not even blinking…which made me think maybe they got to her? I had to act fast!! I grabbed a wooden spoon from the kitchen and a plastic bag, I fastened the plastic bag to the wooden spoon to form some sort of net-like device, and of course my trusty bottle of cleaning liquid, this time I used one called “Mean Green” because I felt the name was fitting for what was about to take place.
It was now midnight, and still no sign of him…so I made a cup of coffee. I figured he was testing my endurance, I knew his game, and I had a feeling I was far better at it then he would be, I’m a veteran at this…easy peasy! I poured my coffee into my favorite black and white polka-dotted mug, and proceeded to add creamer and sugar…I almost poured the Mean Green cleaner into my cup but I caught myself in time! I wasn’t aware that mosquito’s had Jedi mind-trickery skills. He almost got me, but failed, I laughed at him and shouted “try again asshole!!” No response, but I know he heard me.
I was getting antsy, after only 3 cups of coffee my eyes were still starting to close, I felt like I needed toothpicks to prop the lids open, however I have never owned toothpicks in my life so that option was out of the question. I went to check my iPhone for the time, dead battery…he must have drained my battery during the time I almost put cleaning product in my coffee, it became clear to me that this was no ordinary mosquito, I was obviously dealing with the super-hero of mosquitos, I needed to collect my thoughts. I checked the microwave for the time, 1:25AM. I grabbed my cigarettes leaving my provisions behind as I couldn’t carry everything, and proceeded outside to have my smoke. Once I reached the top of the stairs I turned on the outside light and opened the door…I saw him while I was unarmed holding the door open…he flew by me and as he flew by me we stared at each other and it was almost as if I could read his thoughts…”this isn’t over…Moses will return” and he flew out and disappeared into the night…

With him now gone I quickly shut and locked my door, I understood now that mosquitos speak in third person and now knew his name, at least now I can put a name to my arch nemesis. I figured the ciggy was unnecessary at this point, I could sleep easy for one more night.