Archive for i hate it when bugs touch me

Moses VS Vitamin P: Close Call

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , on September 15, 2017 by fromthenuthousewithlove

The attacks from Moses are increasing again now that my location has been discovered. His minions have had me under surveillance, they know where I sleep, they know where I work, they now know my family and most importantly, they know when I’m alone. They are trying to plant some sort of device in me, this is the only thing I know for sure.
Judging by this attack I knew that he has expanded his intelligence department. I was at work when they made their move, they not only waited until I was away from the chosen one, they also waited until I was outside of the building having a smoke,  so as not to attract security. They also planned it on a day where most people are off, as well as more likely to be lazy. A Friday. Being a Friday, I too, was in a passive and inattentive mood.
I stood there with my cigarette in hand, wishing I was at home so that I could enjoy this beautiful day. Little did I know, the minions were watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Timing is everything. They know this. They’ve been training, and they are well aware that I haven’t been. I was in the midst of letting out a casual, but lengthy yawn when they struck. Immediately I felt something in my mouth, I couldn’t inhale for fear of swallowing whatever had made its way into my mouth, and I couldn’t close my mouth for fear of trapping it inside and allowing it to succeed in its mission. I had to think fast because I felt it trying to latch onto my uvula, luckily for me, my uvula was constantly moving up and down, so whatever was in my mouth couldn’t get a firm grip.
With whatever breath I had in me, I began to exhale through my mouth as hard as I could, this created a force of wind that pushed it towards my teeth, and I know this because I felt its wings flutter against them as it tried to regain its balance.
I needed just one more force of air and I would be safe, however I had no more air in my lungs. There was only one other option left for me at this point, seeing as I couldn’t remove it from my mouth, my only other option was to remove myself from it. I knew I only had once chance to execute this correctly. I had to summon up all of my strength for this, and with a quick backwards thrust, I back-flipped myself away from it and just before it was able to regain its balance I kicked it while my feet were in the air, and then landed back upright.
The whole ordeal happened rather quickly, even though through my eyes it was as if time stood still. It was now on the ground, I could hear its defeated moans as I approached her staggering body. She looked at me, and with a half wicked smirk, she spoke. “If you don’t finish me off now, I’m coming for you later”. I stared back at her as I took the last drag of my smoke, and said “Next time, I’ll be ready”. I blew the smoke on her face before I casually made my way back to work.



Moses VS Vitamin P: Infiltration

Posted in Moses Vs Vitamin P with tags , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2017 by fromthenuthousewithlove

It’s been a few years since my last encounter with Moses, or one of his minions. I was under the assumption that he was either incarcerated, dead, or had become so enraged at his inability to defeat me that he developed a drinking problem which rendered him weak, unable to think clearly, and eventually caused him to lose all interest in our war. Turns out, all those sayings about how you shouldn’t assume, are correct, and I found that out by nearly having my family destroyed.
It was a beautiful evening, and the man I have chosen to give my love to (which makes him, The Chosen One) was sitting across from me in our villa by the lake. Our two dogs, Luna and Odin by our feet resting after a long walk and Lint (The Destroyer) standing guard at the edge of the balcony, keeping watch as she has done for the last 16 years. She’s an integral part of the team which is why I have entrusted her to train Luna and Odin, because she’s planning on retiring and well, after this night, it’s obvious I need protection.
As peaceful as the evening was, something felt off. I should have trusted myself, but the warrior in me was as faded as the ink gets on gas station receipts.  I should have trusted Lint, when I saw her stare blankly at nothing, as she does when something is afoot, but I ignored her warning stare. I ignored the boiling inferno within me, and that’s when I felt it. A light tap between my shoulder blades. That was all it took for all the memories of my past to come flooding back to me and send me into a frenzying fury! I turned to The Chosen One, “prepare to defend my honor” I said in my warrior voice, which is a tone he has never heard before. This left him puzzled, “I am under attack, we must prepare for battle” I added for clarification, because this chosen one sometimes requires repetition. The Chosen One looks at me, as if I were crazy “what are you talking about? sit down, relax” and folks, I gotta tell you, if eye-rolling had a sound effect, that would be the tone his voice had taken. This had me concerned, because having someone labeled as “The Chosen One” you would expect them to be a little more in sync with what is going on, but I had to take into consideration that perhaps he has not yet been made aware of his title, or what it means. Which meant that there was a good chance I was going to be on my own in this battle.
Inside my living room I began to search for my provisions, because I hadn’t used them in quite some time I was having a difficult time locating them. I was just about to ask The Chosen One if he had by chance seen a spray bottle of blue liquid almost identical to a Windex bottle when I felt it. A tap followed by a vibration down my spine. This sensation was quite foreign to me. Was this going to be the end of me!? I panicked. I turned to The Chosen one and asked him to perform a full body scan on me. He looked at me and laughed and told me I was crazy. This was not boding well for me, I was starting to question if he was a minion of Moses undercover sent to infiltrate my home by gaining my trust and distracting me from my true mission.
I felt the vibration again, only this time it went down to my lower back which resulted in an uncontrollable wave of body spasms. The Chosen One, still laughing decided to humour me, looked down the back of my tank top and assured me nothing was there. I wanted to believe him. I really did, but the problem with being a top level warrior such as myself is you can’t just believe someone when you know your senses don’t lie. He must have noticed the unpleasant expression on my face because he then told me to remove my upper garments so that he could have a better look. I obliged, he examined my back, reportedly found nothing, and walked away shaking his head “It’s probably just the tag from your shirt” he stated, boldly.
I considered that for a moment, perhaps I was going crazy, perhaps all my years of being a warrior has affected my brain. Just as I had come to the conclusion that he could be right, I felt the same sensation again, on the cheek of *gulp*…my butt. I swung my arm around and bunched my pants and underwear in my hand, and stood there not knowing what to do. This was definitely NOT my imagination. I was being bugged. Moses sent one of his minions out to plant a recording device so he could spy on me.
The Chosen One entered the room and saw me standing in this awkward position, both pants and underwear have managed to shimmy down to the knees. My hand still clenching the bunch from behind and im bent over examining the inner workings of my panties, looking for the wire. I hear laughter in the distance, but I ignore it and make my way stealthily to the bathroom. I crush the bunch I am holding with my bear hand, and when I let go…out he fell, a June bug. He presented me with a little note, before he took his last breath. “I’m back”…