Archive for the Rants Category

when it’s a fart…it’s not a duck…

Posted in Random Thoughts, Rants, Things that peeve me with tags , , , , , on September 24, 2012 by fromthenuthousewithlove

I was sitting here trying to write a blog on financial investing, when my self-diagnosed A.D.D. kicked in and said “Hey! What’s the deal with farts, and ducks?!?!” So naturally I felt this matter was far more pressing then the ever so popular financial investments. Quite frankly I don’t know who’s ass I’d have to reach into to pull out such information so realistically this is an occasion in which A.D.D. has saved my life, for those of you that know me, I’m going to save you the time/energy and breath and answer your question now. Yes, I can write about financial investing if I really wanted to, it’s just not my fault that whenever I sit down to write about it, I get intrigued by something far more entertaining.
Before I get into my actual topic I’d like to take the time and tell you all a little bit about my childhood. I grew up in a home where my father thought it was funny to release gas and blame it on either my mother or myself. If my parents went shopping, my father would stand beside my mother long enough to release the ever so crafty “silent but deadlys – aka – SBD’s” and it would be timed so perfectly, right when a salesperson would come up to my mother and ask if she needed assistance with anything. My father would then non-chalantly waunder outside and wait patiently while my mother was inside suffocating with embarrasment. The reason I shared this information with you is because I want you all to be aware that between my father (and grandfather) I am no stranger to flatulence, I’ve literally lived and breathed it (gag) for years.
Whenever either of them had to “pass the gas”, which if I can be completely honest with you all it was more like they had a little army of men holding guns to what would be the “head” of the gas and forced it into submission, rather then coming clean and being open about the fart. I’m sitting there trying to breathe, while being told ridiculous untruths to explain the ronchy smell or inexcusable noise. I musn’t leave all the flatulent fandango in their blame though, they were and are still a big part of the contribution, however there are many more that are also contributing and the number I feel is constantly growing.

Some of the ever so crafty untruths I’ve heard.

1. A huge thunderstorm was underway – I’ve been in this situation many times wondering what the hell they were yammering on about when not even a cloud was in sight. “What’s that sme…oh…really???”

2. The firing squad is at it again – Where is this squad??? Show me where, for years I never understood what they were talking about, until that one dark and dreary day, it hit me, “What’s that smel…for cryin’ out loud!!!”

3. Revving up the engine – We were never even in a car…”Why are they laughing?? Who brought hard boiled eggs?…ohhh…ugh…crap…”

and last but most certainly not least…”Hey, look!…Ducks!”  I don’t know why but this one irritates me because out of all the ones I’ve heard, including the few I’ve mentioned above, ducks is the last thing I would ever assume it sounds like. Ducks are cute little creatures, they are silly and quirky, and their quacks are not fart related. My reason for posting this is that I felt you should all be aware of this horrible theme thats been sweeping the nation, its time an end be put to the comparison of the two. Hell, it’s time an end is put to all the fart diversions. You farted. Let’s not make a big stink about it.
On a side note it may also be  time for  people to  stop farting around me, or I’m going to need to walk around with an oxygen tank. It’s a heavy piece of machinery to walk around with, and I really can’t picture myself with it come the winter time.

I totally just posted about farting…BAM!


Morning Ramblings…(Saturday, April 24, 2010)

Posted in Life, Rants with tags , , on July 25, 2010 by fromthenuthousewithlove

It’s 8:00am on a Saturday morning. I know what most people are thinking, what the hell is this bitch doing up at 8:00am on a Saturday morning. Well the jokes on you! I’ve been up since 6:30am. I haven’t had my morning coffee, I haven’t even had a “wake me up” shower, or even so much as a cold face wash, and yet I can’t get back to bed for the life of me. I’m wide awake, and ready to face the day!
This disturbs me, not because I am up so early, I actually enjoy the mornings, especially in the summer when the birds are chirping. It makes me want to get up and do things. It just irritates me that during the week, when I actually HAVE to be up at this time, my eyelids feel glued shut, my legs feel strapped to the bed, my body refuses to move because of course you find the absolute BEST position ever right when your alarm goes off, and I find that my bedroom is always at it’s most perfect temperature for sleeping right in the morning. When I finally manage to pry my eyelids open, it’s almost as if I have partial vision, I bump into walls on my way to take my morning pee! Everything just completely pisses me off. I have a complete hatred for those damn chirping birds because why the hell are they so bloody happy and singing?!
Go to bed early during the week you say? I have, and I do, for the most part…but explain this to me. Why is it I can go to sleep on a Friday night at 3 or 4 in the morning, and wake up at 6:30 in the morning feeling refreshed? When if I were to do that during the week, it’s just to painful to even think about what would happen. Something is not right with this equation. I demand a re-evaluation.