Archive for the Random Letters Category

Letter to Tim Hortons…

Posted in Random Letters on July 11, 2011 by fromthenuthousewithlove

Dearest Timothy Bernard Hortons

I’d like to begin by letting you know that I am a huge fan of you, ok perhaps not you specifically let’s not get carried away here I mean you really could just be a huge asshole, I can’t say for sure because you’ve never actually taken the time to have the pleasure of meeting me. Come to think of it, you’ve never even made an effort to even verbally express your interest in meeting me, but whatever, your fans are clearly not as important to you as you would like them to believe. Don’t bother with an appology for that though, I’ve made my peace with it, some people feel fans are not important even though they are the reason for the popularity. Anywho let’s move on.
My reason for writing you today, is to assist you with a problem that is affecting your customers everywhere. Your iced capps. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of this wonderful creation that you have concocted, I usually have one once a day, and sometimes maybe I will even cheat and have 2, especially in the summer, they are so refreshing I really can’t get enough. My issue is not entirely to do with the actual iced capp, it’s not at fault in anyway, but more-so the individual that puts that masterpiece together and turns it into a disaster. I find some of your employees to really excel at this process, and others to fail miserably. I look forward to my daily iced capp, and when I purchase a medium iced capp, that is exactly what I expect to receive, and I must tell you 87% of the time all I get is an iced capp container only half-full of some sort of liquified version (key word: LIQUIFIED also I’d like to put an emphasis on “half-full” because it’s rarely a full-sized medium). It usually resembles what a real iced cap looks like after someone has taken a few large sips and then let it sit there and melt to its watery state. This presentation is not appealing, especially when one is looking forward to one so badly, and then is handed a leftover. It’s rather disappointing.
Not to worry though, I have taken it upon myself to come up with a solution to this pesky problem and it will allow your customers to not feel as though they are playing a game of russian roulette. I say you start up an Iced Cappuchino School, and you send your employees on a 30 min training program, all employees must take the training session in order to continue to be a part of the Tim Horton’s team, this program will cover “how to make the perfect iced cap so your customers will come back for seconds” and also as a bonus “how to make a proper double/double or triple triple” which will give your employees a briefing on the difference between a double double and a triple triple and also a demonstration. Graduates will receive certificates which can be presented to consumers upon request. Those that fail can either opt to take the training again, or leave your organization.
Assuming you’re not an egotistical moron, I have no doubt that you will contact me to discuss this fantastic idea further.

I would say “Thank you for your time” however considering the fact that I feel that taking the time to read this letter is the absolute least you can do, I choose not to thank you until I see some results.

Sternly (but not yours because I do not believe you own me),
Vitamin P

P.S. I hate to be a pain, but something needs to be done about this as well. No pressure Tim…Call me, we’ll discuss it over coffee.