Archive for the my dogs are crazy Category

day 2: a letter to my dogs…

Posted in my dogs are crazy with tags , , , , , , on May 2, 2016 by fromthenuthousewithlove

Dear Luna and Odin

Firstly, I’d like to begin by saying that we enjoy working for you, and we do appreciate that you’ve welcomed us into your lovely home. It’s truly heartwarming. However there are a few things we feel you should know, a few obstacles that have come our way that we felt  we should bring to your attention, just in case you were interested in doing something different, we know how boring life can be when things never change.
Cat Litter: This is waste that has been passed through the colon of the cat. I’m sure you’ve encountered her, she’s the small white and black creature that isn’t very friendly. You ever watch those movies where there’s a grumpy old person with a cane that screams at people to get off their lawns? Yeah she’s basically the cat version of one of those people, stay out of her shit. Literally. Not because she’s a bitch, but because eating poop is not how a dog who has servants should behave. You’re not a heathen for crying out loud, we give you food every day, and we can tell when you’ve eaten it.
Weekend UFC: We have 2 jobs. The first one we have provides us with the money so that we can afford the second one, which is you two. That’s why during the week we wake up early, and we feed you early. We try to keep the same feeding schedule on the weekends, however sometimes we just need that extra 5 minutes. Please understand that extra 5 minutes, is not an invitation for you both to enter the world of UFC. On a side note, if you were to enter the world of UFC, it would not be done by wrestling on our bed. So chill.
Daylight Savings Time: In connection with our last point, please keep in mind that during this time of year, daylight creeps up on you earlier and earlier every day. This is for farmers. It has nothing to do with us. The time of morning, remains the same. We know sunshine is exciting, especially after a long drawn out winter, but pretty soon the sun is going to start shining at 5am. That is not going to be an invitation to wake up and start wrestling each other, nor does it mean your feeding time is going to be earlier. Keep that in mind.
Noises: Noises suck I know, but one bark is more than enough to express your distaste for the matter. I know that sometimes there will be a knock on the door. That’s ok too. It’s not the ones that knock that you have to worry about, it’s the ones that enter without knocking, when your father and I aren’t home, that you have to worry about. Let’s try to learn the difference.
Shit Circles and Shit Walks: Luna, the shit circling is for you, now I understand that when a dog circles just before taking a shit, they are trying to mat down the grass and twigs and stuff. That’s cool, but how many times do you really need to circle? You spin so much that your leash significantly decreases in size, and if that’s not bad enough,  you don’t even shit on that spot. You move to another spot. If that isn’t enough, you don’t even take your dump all at once, you have to separate and dump twice. Like the grass you just used is now too filthy for the rest of your shit. You are my biggest mystery.
Odin, for you we have your shit walks. You’re the only dog I know who has to walk when he poos. Every time I have to pick up your poo, it’s almost as if you’ve drawn me a shit picture, and I have to connect the poo’s to see what it is. I appreciate different forms of art, so I think “Hey, this might be cool”. Except I do, and there’s no picture, so I’m left disappointed every time. Are you doing this to fuck with me? If so, please have pity, life fucks with me enough, you’re suppose to be my loyal companion, not a fucker.
These are just a few things that you can work on to make our lives easier. Please keep in mind that even if you don’t we still love you anyway, because like your love for us, our love for you is also unconditional.

Love, Your Loyal Servants
Mommy & Daddy

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