Dear Cupid…

When I first began my dating career, and yes I’m calling it a career because it’s starting to feel like a chore these days. “Vitamin P! Professional Dater Extraordinaire! Here’s my card, call me!”. I accepted the position you offered with high hopes, I was young and apparently foolish. I’m starting to feel like it was one of those scam jobs now though. You know the ones I’m talking about, where they promise you all these perks, like a benefit package, vacation days and all that, plus a pay raise after a 3 month probation. Then one day you wake up and you realize you’ve been there for 6 months and nothing has kicked in. It’s like that with me, except the benefit package would be a husband (or at least a life mate), and instead of 6 months, I’m lookin at a good 15 years of service. What I’m saying is, I’m taking you to the labour board, and I’m going to sue you for loss, damages caused by loss and false promises.
I’m sorry it has come down to this Cupid, I truly am. It’s not that I hate you or anything, but quite frankly I think that someone who makes a living out of setting people up by shooting them with an arrow should probably have better aim. It’s not like this is your first day on the job. For cryin’ out loud people in dart tournaments have better aim, and some of them have only been doing that for a few months! You’re well over 1000 years old from what I’ve heard, I don’t know how long you’ve been matchmaking, but it’s definitely been longer than I’ve been alive, which by default should give you more training and experience then people who make a living as a sniper. I would contact them myself and have them shoot me a potential mate, but I fear I’d end up at a funeral instead.
With that being said, I am hereby resigning from my position with you at Valentine’s Day Inc. We had a few laughs, very few…well, once. You told me you hated me actually, and I laughed awkwardly, because at the time, I didn’t know if you were drunk, or sober. That’s ok, I’ve gotten over it, it’s all water under the bridge. I have actually contacted the armed forces myself, and asked them if they had any openings in sniper training, I start tomorrow! So, you should probably watch your ass, you know, just in case I miss…

Mercilessly,

Vitamin P

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