THE BATTLE OF LIFE, PART 1: Awakening…

My life is a constant battle. The hardest battle I have ever had to deal with, and it’s persistant…it’s ongoing, it never ends. Most people would say I have it pretty easy, so I’m here to set those people straight…
My day begins at 6:00AM. SHARP! By sharp I mean my alarm goes off, and I hit snooze. Now normally people wouldn’t see an issue here because it sounds like the start to quite a few people’s days. I see two. The first being that I am RUDELY awakened from my slumber at an ungodly hour, so right off the bat I am fighting Interrupted Sleep Syndrome(ISS), which in my humble opinion is one of the worst syndromes. The second, my snooze only snoozes for 9 minutes…NINE…not even 10, fucking 9 minutes. I can’t change it and I refuse to spend more money on a separate waking device when A) I purposely spent more money on one object that can do it all so I shouldn’t have to, and 2) Being forced to pay for ISS is inhumane.

From 6:01AM to 6:08AM I have found the most comfortable position I could ever be in. My bed perfectly contoured to my body, my blankets are cuddling me making me feel loved and appreciated. I am about ready to doze off again when BAM! 6:09AM, the resounding of my alarm hits. At this point my ISS turns to AISS (Aggravated Interrupted Sleep Syndrome), the difference between the 2 is what I like to consider the same difference as someone being charged with assault vs. aggravated assault. Instead of lightly hitting snooze, I slam the snooze button with hatred.

From this point, my brain is rubbing its eyes and yawning, and begins to send little messages throughout my body saying “Activate Operation Rise…”. My body turns into a rebellious teenager and refuses to listen. My arms and feet suddenly turn into cement bricks, I can’t lift one cement brick, let alone 4, so I just lay there, staring at the ceiling while my body sends my brain an urgent message saying “got your message, can’t move on account of arms and legs too heavy, over n out”. Brain processes the information and nods in agreement and immediately begins to develop a strategy to overcome this obstacle “you could call in sick? but you don’t want to do that because you’ve already done that not too long ago, you could go in late? but what’s the point you still have to go in”. In the meantime I am laying on my bed like a starfish staring at the ceiling. While my brain is developing a plan, the 6:18AM alarm sounds, by this time I am so annoyed with that same old tune that all my hatred and anger turn into this major adrenaline rush, which forces my right cemented arm to come up and over and come crashing down on the evil awakener. Snooze is not re-activated this time because the alarm itself is now afraid of my wrath and goes into hiding, and my brain sends out a new message to my body saying “well, you have to get up now because if you don’t you’ll fall asleep and miss work because you have no more snooze”.

Brain thinks the battle is won at this point, and continues to send out messages to all parts on the body involved in moving. Some time passes, and brain notices all the messages that were sent out to move body, are being returned to sender. It is now 6:38AM, panic starts to induce in my mind, I have to get up, I have to be out the door by 7:00AM. This only leaves me 21 minutes to get ready. Can I do it? Probably, do I want to? definitely not. Brain has had enough, and now means business. Sends out one final message to body…”Open the dam to the river of urination…” Fuck! I gotta pee.

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