Moses Vs. Vitamin P: I ain’t fraid of no ghost…

Trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking, I am awoken by my dearest and most honorable sidekick, Lint. I should have known she was trying to warn me, I should have listened to her cries, but alas I was in that sort of half asleep half awake I’ve been drinking the night before so I just want to ignore everything around me mode. I got up to let her out of the bedroom, and replenish my bodily fluids, then returned to what I thought would be a peaceful morning. Under the comforter, snuggled up with myself, I was just about to drift, when I felt it. On my left arm. My eyes sprung open, I scanned the room without moving. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I assumed I just had an itch. I closed my eyes again forcing myself to believe I was imagining the whole thing. Then once more, I felt the tickle, and it was in travel mode. I knew then it was no ordinary itch. I turned my head and there he was. Staring at me in the fogginess of my eyes, he had no teeth, and I know this because when he gave me the evil grin that villains give their opponents, I didn’t see any. I made a mental note that he must suffer from gingivitis and hoped that information would come in handy.
With haste I swung my right arm to try to squash him right away, but with his long legs he had the speed of a lightning bolt and he disappeared into the safety and comfort of my former resting place. I pulled the ol’ tuck and roll, made it safely out of the bed. I shouted “I challenge you to a duel!! Come out of hiding and accept your fate, or I will be forced to come find you.” He laughed and said “it’s too late, I have called on the rest, they are on their way to implant thousands of egg sacks, and when those egg sacks hatch, the whole place will be infested, and you will finally meet your fate!!!!”
I had to remain calm, I couldn’t show him my fear. What do you do in a situation where your enemy shows no fear?? You have to get scary!! That’s when it hit me. I went into my closet, found a white sheet, draped it over myself and sat at the foot of the bed waiting patiently. After what seemed like 3 hours had passed, I saw a leg sneaking out from under the pillow. I squat-walked to the side of the bed, and when he peeked his head out I jumped up with my arms flailing about and yelled “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO” in my scariest voice possible. No reaction.
This was really starting to irritate me now because I knew I couldn’t sleep the night knowing there is an unwanted occupant curled up in there.
I had to get down to business, what did I know about him? That he was fast, so in order to capture him, I had to either work fast, or slow him down. I knew working fast would be impossible due to my condition, so I had to settle for option B. I looked to my dresser, grabbed my hairspray. It’s funny that I even own hairspray considering I rarely use it for my hair…but that was not the issue at hand. I looked around for some other sort of defence system. My compact mirror, and some moisterizing facial cloths. Good enough.
I had to first lure him out. I crouched at the side of the bed and placed the mirror on it. I then did a little whistle followed by my spider-call. It’s basically the same as a dog whistle except humans can actually reach the pitch if they practice enough. I heard that I got his attention, then I said “heyyyy buddy, where are ya?? I’m here to help you!!!” That was when he peeked his head out and saw his reflection, which wasn’t really his reflection but spider’s aren’t that bright when it comes to reflections. He walked over towards the compact mirror, and I heard him sigh with relief, I knew right then and there I had him, I reached for the hairspray and pressed the nozzle, full force. He froze in his tracks with 3 legs still in the air. I then grabbed the moisterizing facial cloth and draped it over him. The moistened cloth cleansed the hairspray off the spider allowing for him to regain consciousness and mobility, only to realize it was over. I was careful not to squash him too quickly. I wanted him to realize what just happened before I flushed him down the toilet.
And that my friends, is HOW IT’S DONE!…

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2 Responses to “Moses Vs. Vitamin P: I ain’t fraid of no ghost…”

  1. Interesting…Enjoyed it thoroughly!!

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