new apartment, and it’s minions of evil…

For those of you that don’t know me, I just recently moved into a new apartment. A cute little one bedroom basement apartment. I really enjoy it for the most part, its rather cozy for me and my little ball of fur, in fact my little ball of fur even has her own “room” so to speak. However living in a basement apartment has its flaws, and for those that do know me…you know that I enjoy nit-picking on the negative things in life. I don’t look at this as a bad thing, because nothing is perfect. I am glad nothing is perfect because if everything were perfect I would have nothing to complain about. So here are a list of my complaints of my new apartment, so far.

#1. Window Situation: I love sunlight, and I especially love openning up my curtains on a nice bright sun-shiney day. My apartment has windows, however they are significantly smaller then a regular above ground apartment. That’s not entirely horrible except for the fact that they are so dirty from the soil in the ground. Clean them you say? No. It’s not that I don’t want to clean them, it’s more of just a pain in the ass. I don’t like doing things that are a pain in the ass. I try to live my life pain in the ass free. So I will continue to live with my soiled up windows, becaue even if I did put forth an effort. I can’t let the sun shine in anyway. It’s a basement and people will set up chairs on the lawn just to watch me in my natural habitat, and quite possibly take pictures and enter them in a contest, and with my luck they will win and I won’t be awarded any prize because I don’t know who the cock sucker was that took the picture of me in my habitat!!

#2. The Human Centipede: It appears I also have a roommate residing in my storage room, or as I like to call it my smoking room. I went out the other evening to have a smoke, and there he was, running away from me like a little bitch. Yes I realize I am bigger then he is. However he has more legs then I do. This makes me feel inferior. I dislike feeling inferior, therefore I dislike him. I could technically just stomp on him or raid him to death, but I don’t like the crunchy noise that is made when one stomps on the bugs, and it’s not even the noise its more the feeling that travels through my shoe, onto my foot which in turn vibrates all the way up my spinal chord. The raid will slowly kill me as well, I don’t wish to use a plan that will backfire onto me. I know what you sneaky buggers are thinking, so does smoking, but the way I see that is, all the more reason for me not to use raid, I’m already slowly killing myself, using raid will double the effect. It’s like giving away a kidney!

#3. The Black Widow: Now this one has already been taken care of, and I am not entirely sure that it is indeed a Black Widow, actually it more then likely isn’t, but it was fairly large, and black, and I can only assume it was a widow considering it came alone, she was crushed in the prime of her life, wrapped in almost an entire roll of toilet paper so as to suffocate it just in case it managed to survive the stomp (I saw one leg move) and flushed down the toilet just so that by some miraculous grace of the universe that it was brought back to life, it would not crawl up out of my garbage can, life the lid and seek its revenge on me. Although it is dead and gone, it still haunts me to this day. I fear that there will be others coming around soon looking for her, sending out search parties, some might even be carrying picket signs protesting my right to live. I got rid of the evidence, but I still have to be careful.

#4. The Clear Spider: This was super creepy, he’s dead as well, he was like a ghost spider with bones. I could see through him. Gave me the chills. I took the same precautions as I did with the black widow, you never know with arachnids. They are very unpredictable.

#5. The Alleged Sensor: I have a side entrance, and just outside the door up at the top is a light with a sensor on it, so that I can see what I am doing at night when I an getting in or out. However, I have noticed in my almost one month of living here that that light always seems to go on, after I’ve gotten inside, or after I have already left for my destination. I feel as though I should be on “Landlord Punk’d” I keep looking out for my landlord to come walking by saying “HAH! GOTCHA! here take this lovely 50% discount on your rent for being such a good sport” So far, that’s not happened…however I’m not gonna stop believing!!!

#6. Troll Syndrome: My building is somewhat of a Triplex, there is my apartment which as I’ve mentioned before is a basement, and then a main floor, which has a couple living in it, and the second floor which has another couple living in it. So I have to say, with me being the single basement dweller, I have developed what I can only assume is “Troll Syndrome”, I feel like the single pet troll that these people keep in their basement. They let me out occasionally, and when they remember me I get a “Hey, How’s it goin?” It’s a hard life being a troll, I never knew this about trolls before but they don’t have it easy. I mean being a troll you’re pretty much gonna be single for ever, because who the hell wants to marry a troll?! I’ve checked online and there are no online troll dating sites so how the hell would they ever find someone they can really connect with. What would they check off for interests? The good thing about this is I probably won’t ever have to worry about fixing my hair again…

That’s all I dislike for now, and I say for now because I’m sure as time goes on more and more things will start to annoy me, after all I haven’t even been here a whole month yet


One Response to “new apartment, and it’s minions of evil…”

  1. “and black, and I can only assume it was a widow considering it came alone.” i love you. i too now live in a basement and i am incredibly frightened for the bugs. thanks a lot.

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